Dropsafe

by Alec Muffett

Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

Brilliant! For those of us who used to suffer When you hear the attack warning… – and really believed that the attack warning was going to sound like the Moog synthesiser chord that they played in the public information film… it put me off Depeche Mode for months…

[www.preparingforemergencies.co.uk]

Update: I did not create the below-referenced website. See the article comments for pointers to visiting the original site, and contacting the author.

Welcome to the Preparing for Emergencies website

In an effort to worry the public and convince them to vote for us again next year, and because George Bush asked us to, this website includes the common sense advice found in the Preparing for Emergencies booklet, and information on what the government is doing to protect the country as a whole. (Hint: we’re praying really, really hard.) National editions of the booklet will be available here when we can be arsed to get translators to put them into your crazy moon languages.

From 2nd August, translations of the booklet into 16 languages will be available on this website. They will be in : Arabic, Bengali, Chinese, English, Farsi, French, Greek, Gujarati, Hindi, Kurdish, Punjabi, Somali, Turkish, Urdu, Vietnamese and Welsh. In the meantime, just assume that we don’t care about you.

You will also be able to order copies of the booklet in audio tape, large print, and Braille formats. We wouldn’t have bothered, but Blunkett insisted.

Hopefully this is one occasion when the supposed Blitz stoicism of the British people, combined with a relatively recent history of domestic terrorism, will come to the fore in terms of apathy in the face of politicians trying to scare us into voting for them.

Terrorism? Been there done that, mate. What we wants to be ‘fraid of is Eco-Disaster. Bombs is passé and the Tube stinks enough without poison gas…

Update: if you have no idea what I am talking about, or are unlucky enough not to have lived through the latter years of the Cold War in Britain, go see http://www.cybertrn.demon.co.uk/atomic/main.htm for a flavour of what the UK Government tells its citizens about disaster planning.

On par with Duck, and Cover!

⊞

Comments

13 responses to “Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia”

  1. Chris Samuel
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    If you’re as lucky as we are down under you’ll get your very own anti-terrorist fridge magnet!

    The ABC 7:30 report did a wonderful send up of this, the transcript is here: http http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2003/s778702.htm

    INTERVIEWER: And this is a fridge magnet?

    JOHN HOWARD: It’s a fridge magnet, Bryan, yes.

    INTERVIEWER: And what’s it for?

    JOHN HOWARD: For sticking on the fridge.

    INTERVIEWER: But why?

    JOHN HOWARD: So you don’t get attacked by terrorists.

    Reply
  2. alecm
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    url for the “real” site: http://www.preparingforemergencies.GOV.uk

    Reply
  3. mrod
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    Protecting yourself from a terrorist attack is easy.. Close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly, then it’ll all go away. 🙂

    As for this bit of publicity, it’s nowhere near as bad as “Protect and Survive” which was just laughable. Almost, “When you hear the warning siren take a paper bag and put it over your head.” It was merely advise to allow the easy clean up of bodies after an attack by knowing where they’d be and to allow people to feel as though they were doing something, even if it were pointless.

    Reply
  4. David
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    Keep it going. Why can’t you say what you think?

    Reply
  5. alecm
    in response to an evident troll

    “mu”.

    Reply
  6. Arthur Moody
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    Well done young man!! A good site, and possibly more use than the official government one. We need a laugh with this bunch of incompetent crooks running the country.

    I can’t imagine our nanny government liking it though.

    Regards, Art Moody.

    Good luck with your studies.

    Reply
  7. Gordon
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    Magic! More power to your keyboard finger. We need more of this to show they do really have complete contempt for us, who only voted these b– in.

    Reply
  8. Alan
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    Brilliant..your alternative website really kicks ass! The civil service needs people like you but you probably know the pay is shite and they are all under the threat of getting made redundant. Hold on a minute…could this have something to do with the load of bollocks they produced??

    Reply
  9. alecm
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    note: i didn’t make that site. I am just linking to it. If you wish to congratulate him, I believe the appropriate link is http://www.thomasscott.net or send mail to tdscott@gmail.com

    Reply
  10. A/Brace
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    What a load of rubbish. It is a pity that you do not have something better to do with your time which we, as tax payers, are having to fund. Maybe when you grow up you will see how stupid you are.

    Reply
  11. alecm
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    …and the award for “mindless flame in the face of all explanation”, goes to…

    Reply
  12. paul
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    hello

    Reply
  13. paul
    re: Preparing for Emergencies: HM Department of Vague Paranoia

    hello

    Reply

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